Warning: gift ideas for me should not include anything potted that requires care. My orchid is still alive…but I’m told those are difficult to kill.

I thought maybe there was an official term for someone like me who kills plants, so I typed my query into google. The following results emerged:

1. To make die
2. Herbicide
3. Strangler
4. How do carniverous plants kill?

I am human herbicide. I make plants die, possibly by strangulation. In my personal experience though, it is more likely death by dehydration. Apparently, there are carniverous plants, and this means I need to watch my back.

The best thing someone could do for me is to get me a flower that has already been picked, and the expectation is death. This way I can enjoy its beauty without the guilt of horticultural ineptitude and the gathering brown stems of deceased gerber daisies on my conscience.